Cognitive distortions our thoughts or beliefs that we hold generally unconsciously that shape how we think and feel about ourselves, and others. These are often limiting, or negative beliefs, that have the power to make us feel bad about ourselves and throw monkey wrenches in the machinery of our relationships.
The fallacy of mind reading is sneaky, especially when we’re in a long term relationship and think we know exactly what’s going on in our loved one’s minds. However, it can set us up for failure, especially when we assume the worst.
We are generally assuming the worst, because we’re afraid of the worst. However, we’re often not aware of, or ashamed of this fear, so instead we assume that the bad idea came from the other person. This is referred to as projective identification, or self-fulfilling prophecy, whereby you believing something false about someone, actually influences that other person to carry out your worst fear.
One way to understand this is a teacher having low expectations for a student and the student, somehow aware of this low bar, or assumption, feels defeated before ever getting started. Therefore, may not bother to strive to do any better. So, a child who could have done great things, if someone believed in them, is now meeting the expectation that they would fail.
If you’ve been on this page a bit, you know that I’m a tireless advocate for journaling. This is one of the main reasons why. Journaling has been a really important element in my understanding my own assumptions and my own negative self talk. Especially in conjunction with therapy and mindfulness practice, I have learned to think the best of myself, so that I may rise to my own favorable expectations.
How do you combat the cognitive distortion of mind reading in your relationships?
For some assistance, try answers these questions in your journal:
What did my friend/family member/partner do today that triggered me?
What do I think they were thinking? What do I believe were their intentions?
What evidence to I have that I’m right?
Could there be any other possible explanation?
What would I have said/done if I assumed the best and stayed curious?
If you assume the best, you might just get it.